Those Crazy Kids

My 11-yr-old (to her slightly younger sister): Only an idiot would say that.

Me: Don’t call your sister an idiot.

Her: I didn’t. I said “only an idiot would say that.”

Me: You implied she was an idiot.

Her: I don’t know what that word means.

Me: Well, you know what the word inference means. I’ve seen it in your homework. I inferred from what you said that you were calling your sister an idiot. Quit it.

Her: Mom, inferences aren’t always right.

At that point, my eyes rolled back in my head and I swallowed my tongue. She was right and not right at the same time. Sort of. And she knew she wasn’t being nice, so we moved on. However, karma has a sense of humor, and later that week the same daughter woke us up in the middle of the night and told us her bed was wet. You’re thinking she peed the bed, right? So was I. But I patted her down and she was dry. The three of us stood staring at the huge wet spot all over one side of her bed and the puddle on the floor. And then I remembered the night I woke up to the sound of a waterfall and found my young son taking a whiz into the space between my bed and my nightstand. The little shit sleepwalked and thought he was in the bathroom! He never even woke up! So I raced into HIS room, and sure enough, he was damp and smelled of pee. Mystery solved, P(ee)S.I.-style!

Oh my God! Just the thought of what would have happened if my daughter had awakened to find her little brother watering her bed had us laughing for an hour in bed after we got everyone resettled. Can you imagine? What if he had peed on HER? Oh, I’m still dying. My daughter, bless her heart, was giggling, too…but she made us block her door with a chair last night. Just in case…

Anybody else have crazy kids out there? Comment below and the story that makes me pee my pants (okay, that’s not fair, a random commenter) will win an orchid temporary tattoo that looks like this to celebrate the release of HOOK UP at the end of the month!



  1. I am still laughing, especially about your son whizzing next to your bed, lol. My sister did something similar when she was really little. She tended to sleep walk and on one occasion my parents saw her walk into the living room, pull down her bottoms, back up against the wall & squat and pee. Another time she peeped on a rug at my grandparents’ house because she did not want to walk to the bathroom in the dark and let my grandmother’s dog take the blame.

    My nieces a couple of months ago pulled a silly/dangerous stunt. The older one dared & bet her sister that she would not ride a bike down the outdoor stairs at their apartment building. She did fine until she ran into a large flower pot, and then went into the brick wall. She ended up with a trip to the ER, aconcussion, major abrasions, and some scars but she won the bet. The really bad thing is these girls are 17 & 18! You would think they would know better!

    manning_J2004 at yahoo dot com

  2. Hubs took the boys to the Amish Market. It was Spring Festival, so it was packed. Eric (hubs) said after 15 mins of taking a number and waiting, Carter (my 6 yr old) said, “Dad, what are we waiting for?”

    Eric: “the worlds best bacon”

    Carter: “you know what’d be awesome? If I had a bacon gun that shot out the worlds best bacon!”

    Eric said he just laughed and then awoman behind him tapped Carter from behind and said, “Excuse me young man, I’d like some the world’s best bacon from your bacon gun.”

    Then Carter piped up as Eric was telling the story, Carter said, “Mom, she was a lady without any hair, but she was alright!”

    Eric said she was clearly going through chemo and wanted to engage Carter.

    Later that same day…

    I just told Carter to feed the dog and he spilled it all over the floor . I said, “You’re gonna sweep that up.”

    He said, “How do I swifter it?”

    I said, “No. SWEEP.”

    He said, “Sweeping is so old school!”

    I said, “Too bad, sweep the floor Cinderelli.”

    Then I go to the bathroom and I come out hearing Eric saying, “We do not ride the broom while sweeping and we do not howl in the house.”

    I tell Eric he should have a blog of a stay at home dad, he makes me laugh so hard with his stories, my gut hurts.

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